Fancy Feets’ Birthday: When it comes to birthdays in my home, they are tough. I have been told by many professionals and natural moms that the reason we have problems with birthdays after placement is because we think of our children and their birthdays in my case( twins).I would agree, no matter how hard I try not to think of them on any occasion they are always there. With Fancy Feet’s birthday approaching. I have been so down. It started early Monday morning.I began to think of what Fancy Feet was missing out on by not having siblings to celebrate with her..If she knows her birthday makes me long for them even more. I think of what they are doing for their birthday and wonder if they think of us. I am not sure they have been told they are adopted or not. I will tell you, 9 months later after their adopted mother showed up at my door, she convinced me to see them at her home and as soon as they heard my voice, they knew there was something about me. As soon as I walked in and said hello to them they squealed and wanted me to hold them. The adoptive mother made me believe they never allowed anyone to hold them except her. It was happiest and saddest day of my life. It would turn out to also be the beginning of my end.

Hyperemesis gravidarum (HG) is a rare disorder characterized by severe and persistent nausea and vomiting during pregnancy that may necessitate hospitalization. As a result of frequent nausea and vomiting, affected women experience dehydration, vitamin and mineral deficit, and the loss of greater than five percent of their original body weight. Nausea and vomiting of pregnancy (NVP), more widely known as morning sickness, is a common condition of pregnancy. Many researchers believe that NVP should be regarded as a continuum of symptoms that may impact an affected woman’s physical, mental and social well-being The exact cause of hyperemesis gravidarum is not known. I am a two time survivor of HG. Both times, around 7 months of pregnancy, after daily, persistent vomiting and nausea , I would beg God to miscarry. I believe HG, took my twins from me. While carrying Fancy Feet, I had the love and support of my husband. While carrying the twins, I had no one. All I wanted to do was deliver. I was so disconnected from the twins, I couldn’t wait to deliver and move on with my life. How could I love anyone as much as Fancy Feet? She was my world. I would move one, hands down, I could handle this.. little did I know when I delivered that I would love M&M (twins)as much as Fancy Feet and I would suffer a loss that would take years and very hard lessons to recover.

Today I will start to speak of what my placement did to me… As I said before my twins were placed in December 2008 at infancy. I didn’t understand adoption. I had never met anyone that had done an adoption. I was told by my attorney a closed adoption was the way to go. So I relinquished and left the hospital thinking I would go home and move on with my life, and as the attorney told me I would never think of them again.. I did something amazing by allowing a woman to have children.My grieving began immediately. I started staying in my basement in the darkness.. wondering where could they be? Are they ok? Why did I do this? Tears.. rage..pain. I would only sit in the basement when Fancy feet was at school. When she returned from school I was a mom again. I had to be strong from 3pm until Fancy Feet went to bed. One day, as I sat in the basement I received a phone call. Then a knock on my door. As I stumbled to answer the door there was a woman standing there with tears in her eyes. She said she had my children and she was my neighbor.This is when my nightmare began and would’t end for many, many years.

The loss of a mother: In July 2016 I lost my mother to cancer. I cannot explain the feelings I have had since that day. After her death I received a tote with some of her things.. I opened the tote one time and put it away. The smell of her things reminded me of the times I went to her home while she was doing laundry or even just laying in her bed and smelling her sheets. I will not open the tote because I am scared her smell will be gone and I will never smell her again. I have bought the exact laundry detergent she used, I have done everything to regain her smell but she is gone and I cannot recreate her scent.Someday I will open my tote again when I am ready and I pray that God will allow her smell to still be there. I have read many times and spoken with adoptees that the separation of mother and baby is the first traumatic event the baby will have. The baby knows only one smell, one voice, one mothers love.. and all of the sudden there is another smell and voice and she or he doesn’t understand what has happened.They carry that traumatic event with them from birth and feel a lifetime of loss. Again, I am 46 years old and I cannot stop thinking of the loss of my mother. I cannot imagine how a baby.. brand new fresh baby, learns how to live without their mother.

Visit the post for more. Source: The loss of a mother: In July 2016 I lost my mother to cancer. I cannot explain the feelings I have had since that day. After her death I received a tote with some of her things.. I opened the tote one time and put it away. The smell… Continue reading The loss of a mother: In July 2016 I lost my mother to cancer. I cannot explain the feelings I have had since that day. After her death I received a tote with some of her things.. I opened the tote one time and put it away. The smell of her things reminded me of the times I went to her home while she was doing laundry or even just laying in her bed and smelling her sheets. I will not open the tote because I am scared her smell will be gone and I will never smell her again. I have bought the exact laundry detergent she used, I have done everything to regain her smell but she is gone and I cannot recreate her scent.Someday I will open my tote again when I am ready and I pray that God will allow her smell to still be there. I have read many times and spoken with adoptees that the separation of mother and baby is the first traumatic event the baby will have. The baby knows only one smell, one voice, one mothers love.. and all of the sudden there is another smell and voice and she or he doesn’t understand what has happened.They carry that traumatic event with them from birth and feel a lifetime of loss. Again, I am 46 years old and I cannot stop thinking of the loss of my mother. I cannot imagine how a baby.. brand new fresh baby, learns how to live without their mother.

My blog is about my life and how the placement of twins for adoption turned my entire world upside down. This blog is my chance to tell my story without any editing, just myself and my thoughts. My name is P and I live in a small suburb on the outskirts of San Fransisco. I have a daughter named Fancy Feet and together we have survived the last 8 years together, but so very far apart. She doesn’t understand adoption anymore than I did the day I placed. How could she? She was just 13 when our lives changed forever. The problem was I was 38 and I couldn’t even understand. Others would ask me why? I would simply reply.. because. I hope somehow if there is a young woman out there, considering adoption, that she will find my story helpful. Once those papers to relinquish are signed there is no turning back….According to whom? The family that wants your baby? Most definitely the Attorney that will make money off selling your child or in my case children. In most states a woman has 30 days to change her mind. Thats a big secret in the adoption world. The secret to keep a mother from her child. It was a blustery cold day in December 2008 when I signed the paperwork to turn my children over to their “keepers”. Yes, that is what we call them. I would fall asleep each night and dream over and over again, looking on the streets everywhere for them. Only to wake to nothing but empty arms. My story would turn out to be quite different then most. My dreams of searching and finding would soon turn into a nightmare.

Visit the post for more. Source: My blog is about my life and how the placement of twins for adoption turned my entire world upside down. This blog is my chance to tell my story without any editing, just myself and my thoughts. My name is P and I live in a small suburb on… Continue reading My blog is about my life and how the placement of twins for adoption turned my entire world upside down. This blog is my chance to tell my story without any editing, just myself and my thoughts. My name is P and I live in a small suburb on the outskirts of San Fransisco. I have a daughter named Fancy Feet and together we have survived the last 8 years together, but so very far apart. She doesn’t understand adoption anymore than I did the day I placed. How could she? She was just 13 when our lives changed forever. The problem was I was 38 and I couldn’t even understand. Others would ask me why? I would simply reply.. because. I hope somehow if there is a young woman out there, considering adoption, that she will find my story helpful. Once those papers to relinquish are signed there is no turning back….According to whom? The family that wants your baby? Most definitely the Attorney that will make money off selling your child or in my case children. In most states a woman has 30 days to change her mind. Thats a big secret in the adoption world. The secret to keep a mother from her child. It was a blustery cold day in December 2008 when I signed the paperwork to turn my children over to their “keepers”. Yes, that is what we call them. I would fall asleep each night and dream over and over again, looking on the streets everywhere for them. Only to wake to nothing but empty arms. My story would turn out to be quite different then most. My dreams of searching and finding would soon turn into a nightmare.